Catching Balance

I start my doctor’s orders: anti-seizure medication, physical therapy and slowing down. The first few weeks of medicine were rough and riddled with more headaches than I normally have, tiredness and possible mood swings? I’m not sure if the mood swings were the medicine or my roller coaster of emotions about my diagnosis, what it meant and what the future would hold. Upset because I was not in control of what was happening, anger at the loss of control and the fact that I would be on medication from now on, fear at how this would progress and grieving what I felt was a loss of my independence. Physical therapy was well, physical therapy. Two to three hours of another appointment in my already full schedule. Juggling my lunch breaks for physical therapy appointments so as not to miss work or use sick pay, feeling guilty all the while and mad again at the theft of my time. The therapy did help, to a point, but the dizziness and imbalance are still there. I have some days that are dizzier than others where I feel like a top wobbling around at the end of its turning. I learned to sit down, wait, lie down, rest or recalibrate myself. I constantly “lean” into walls when I walk, but it’s been a long time since my last fall. I attribute part of this to my learning to slow down my previously fast paced self. I walk slower, use hand rails, constantly look at the steps I take and when walking alongside my husband… I hold his hand. I think that’s probably the best part of all of this. I learned to hold his hand, to let him help me, to realize and accept that I am not in this alone. He’s always there, always has been. I used to be very stubborn with my independence, but I find comfort in reaching for him and having my hand in his…I think he likes it too.