You can look into a crowd and not see a face, only the crowd. But once you are shown a face, you can easily spot it, much like a “Where’s Waldo” book. I don’t know if I’m having more seizures or just that I'm more aware of them, now that I know their identity. Thankfully, I don’t have the “fall on the floor and pee yourself” type seizures. My heart goes out to those that do and I am sure I have just violated an Epilepsy Code rule by calling it as such, but my seizures are not the grand mal type. What I have are partial onset focal seizures. I have pulsating, muscle spasm sensations in most commonly my eye, eyelid, or lip, crawling and tingling through my head and scalp multiple times a day. These episodes are followed by tiredness and sometimes nausea and the desire to cry. My seizures are such that besides the imbalanced lean into the wall and the occasional falls, you wouldn’t even know I’m having them..no one knew. No one at work knew I was having seizures at my desk, my family did not know I was having them throughout our Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, no one knew besides my husband and myself. My seizures are such that I can keep them a secret and not tell anyone I’m having them until a worse for wear one causes me to have an emotional “come out” tear fest at work and I go home to bed for the day. I could keep them a secret until the secret seemed to feel too heavy to bear and exploded out of me.
My doctor tripled my dosage during my last appointment. The increase has me tired, but I’m adjusting, I will continue to adjust. I think the medicine is working, I think the seizures are lessening, but it’s like the face in the crowd and I don’t know how many faces were there before I learned to identify the enemy. Now that I can identify the enemy, I know when it’s there.
I’m learning that stress triggers seizure activity. I’m learning that I apparently fail miserably at handling stress, though I thought I was managing it. I'm learning that tiredness triggers seizure activity. I’m learning that if you don’t slow down, your body will make you slow down. I’m learning that I need to take a moment, many times a day, and that’s okay. I’m learning to turn off my phone and I don't have to live others' schedules. I’m learning to go to bed early when I need to and sleep longer on the weekends. I’m learning that one of the hardest things for a driven overachiever is realizing your limitations, accepting them and making lifestyle adjustments to adhere to those limitations. I’m learning and I will continue to learn with each step of this journey.