Attention: Narcissistic Society

This weekend was a great weekend. I literally laid in bed most of the time relaxing, watching tv and taking naps. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! There was a little laundry done and the kids were fed three meals a day, so there was some productivity, but we kept it at a minimum. After lounging Saturday away, my husband suggested we go out to dinner. I'm not sure if it was out of boredom or just to motivate me to actually get dressed and fix my hair and makeup, still not sure, but it worked nonetheless. 

We decide to take advantage of a Christmas given gift card to Outback which is a little less than an hour drive away, but my favorite restaurant. I credit the fact that it is still my favorite place to the distance, because it's not too close to go to all the time, the drive seems to build more anticipation and makes the trek more of a night out rather than a quick place to grab a bite. We arrived a few minutes after 6 pm on a Saturday night and as we walk through the throng of waiting people, I understand and knew there will be a wait. The hostess tells me the wait is running a little over an hour and I put my name down. Now, I'm not one that goes out to dinner a lot on a Friday or Saturday night because as a person with a few brain cells in the gray matter in my skull, I realize that there will be a wait at a restaurant, on their busiest nights of the week, at the most common dinner time of the evening, apparently this is a little known fact. It was not the wait that upset me as the people in the wait. The narcissistic, rude, entitled people are what upset me and made me want to "bless out" a few people during the wait on behalf of the restaurant staff which was beyond hospitable to completely undeserving patrons.

The waiting area: 
I found an open place near the hostess stand to sit down, my daughters leaning against my lap and my husband stood nearby. Next to me, sat a man and a kid halfway laying down taking more that a butt's width of the bench, with the Mom of that household standing nearby. Now, I used to be pretty feminist, and I don't really know their situation, maybe the Mr. has a condition where he needed to be sitting down or his wife likes to stand for long periods of time, but I was proud to be the woman who's chivalrous husband thought enough of her to let her sit down. I look around and there are people standing everywhere, yet most of the benches were filled with older children and young teens playing on their phones and handheld games. I was taught as a child that adults get seats first, but apparently this was not widely taught. Enters pregnant woman. Not just "showing," but very, very pregnant woman. As a previously pregnant in my lifetime woman, I'm guessing that she was probably due in two weeks or two weeks ago. I look around to praise the person who gets up or makes their kid get up to allow Painfully Pregnant Woman a seat, but no one does. Not one person. I wait a minute just to make sure that no one is going to use this as a parenting moment to teach their child about courtesy or respect, but still, no one moves. I get up, I go over to a very tired Painfully Pregnant Woman and tell her "I've got a seat over there in the corner just for you." She gladly accepts, her face rewards me in overwhelming appreciation and I use the teaching moment for my children. I told them that it's always respectful to let pregnant women or the elderly sit down and that I would always expect them to offer their seat to someone else. Of course the irritated at society part of me raised my voice a little as I taught them, just in case anyone else wanted to know. People continue to walk in past the throng of us waiting and act surprised and rudely complain when the hostesses tell them that there is a wait. They act surprised like they didn't just walk past no less than fifty people. Do they think we are a flash mob that just goes in and out of restaurants waiting or do they think they are so better elevated in our society that they don't have to wait too? 

We are seated: 
As soon as we get to our table the head hostess is at our table telling us that we will be getting a free appetizer due to the extended wait. That's great I think, because we were going to get a Bloomin' Onion anyway and the kids were whining for some Loaded Cheese Aussie Fries. So I order our FREE Bloomin' Onion and a small order of Loaded Cheese Aussie Fries for the girls which I more than expect to pay for from our amazingly nice waitress who also apologized for our wait. She takes our order and goes to the next table to check on her other guests when I hear Rude Woman ask in a high horse tone "So, just so I'm clear, you do serve food here, right?" I look over to see Rude Woman said this while eating her FREE appetizer. At this point, I'm hoping Rude Woman chokes on her rude sarcasm or the FREE appetizer while being mean to an overly nice waitress. A waitress who could not control the wait, someone just doing her job, possibly supporting her family, the waitress who is waiting, serving and humbly being nice to Rude Woman who is being nothing but Rude. I want to defend our waitress, I want to give Rude Woman, yes that is her name, an evil glare, but it's not my place and I'm already getting the calm "no" look from my husband who knows my every thought. So instead, I say loudly to my kids "isn't this a nice night out? Isn't our waitress sweet?" Yes, in the same raised tone from the waiting area, again, just in case anyone else wanted to hear. Funny how on the waitress' next run to our section was the platter of food for Rude Woman's table. Rude Woman then sent back her meal because her chicken was just "too dry," asked for to-go boxes and then went to the hostess station to ask for boxes again before our waitress could even get back to the kitchen again. Then Rude Woman complains to the manager, manager gives her gift cards for her inconvenience and Rude Woman finally leaves. In my defense, I'm not eavesdropping, Rude Woman is loud with all of her complaints due to her superiority to society. 

After Rude Woman leaves, we get our check, which is wrong. The Bloomin' Onion is FREE, but the Loaded Aussie Fries have been discounted to FREE too, we should have been charged for this. I tell the waitress, so she can correct the error, but she tells me there is no error, they're FREE too. They are FREE because of our wait, the wait we never complained about. Outback Rocks! I got a night out, waiting time to spend more moments with my family, parenting lessons to teach to my kids, two FREE appetizers and I'm using my Christmas gift card. I have nothing to complain about, well besides one thing...our society.

In this case, Rude Woman was one person, but she represents our society as a whole. Our impatient, narcissistic, rude, condescending, completely disrespectful of everyone but themselves and entitled society. Why does our society think they can treat waitresses, waiters, hostesses or anyone else in the service industry so rude, because they work in service? That does not mean they are less than, it means that they choose to work for a living, just like you, but in a different capacity. It means that they choose to bite their tongue a lot as they serve less than deserving people like Rude Woman to support themselves and their families. No matter what a person does for a living, they deserve respect, but we can't even teach our children what respect is when we allow our kids to take up waiting benches when a pregnant woman or an elderly person enters a waiting area. Our society is what it is because somewhere along the way we quit teaching what respect means, what is looks like and how to show it. Pin it, post it, do what's necessary to remind yourself to use it and if you're a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent or mentor is some way, love our children enough to TEACH it.

A Bump In The Road

A little disappointed as I log on this evening, or rather in the wee hours of the morning, to see that it has been almost nine months since my last post. I mean that's a pregnancy. No, I haven't been pregnant, nor do I plan to or have the ability to ever again, but that is a long time. Though I wish I could say that I was birthing new ideas or words or something inspirational, motivational or visionary....I can't. I think I just got too busy again to hear my own thoughts. All this talk about birthing is pretty ironic considering the inspiration for this post...

A Bump In The Road...

Tonight, I am driving home on a quiet, country road with my kids riding along in the back seat. They are probably doing something completely un-Norman-Rockwell-painting-like as sisters constantly do when fighting over who has song choice privileges, who's being mean to who and who started it. I am in the mommy moment where I have apparently completely blocked them out as I replay and reflect over the burdens of the day, as it was one of those that leave you heavy hearted for all of those things in life that are completely out of our control and you are only left with the "why" questions. Suddenly, I spot a bunny rabbit begin to run onto the road on my left side, I hit the brakes in a quick and responsible fashion to avoid hitting it, but yet not so much as to risk losing control of the car and putting my girls and myself in danger of an accident. (Yes, you can alert the ASPCA or any other animal rights group now, that while I love animals, I hold humans in higher regard. Sorry if this offends you, but that's just the way it is.) As I slow the car and and approach the crossing point of the bunny, I seem to watch it in slow motion as it darts back toward the edge of the road only to turn around again in the direction of my car. It darts back and forth in this whirlwind state of confusion until I am so much upon it that I can not see the final direction the creature decided upon. But then I hear and feel this small bump beneath my car and instantly know the outcome and feel the ache within knowing that I have hit and killed it. I wait for the questions from my bunny loving daughters as to what the bump or noise was, and am relieved when I realized that they were completely oblivious to what had happened.

I continued driving home, now watching every edge of the road as I am on heightened animal alert for the rest of my treck, but continually replaying the bunny suicide in my mind. Here this bunny took a gamble and as danger approached and panic set in, that same panic caused him to make the wrong decision and head straight into impending death. Suddenly, I wondered how often I, or we, do the same. How often do we step out in chance, guided by faith and courage, only to panic when danger comes into view and that state of panic drive us right into the danger we so want to avoid?  How many times have I committed emotional or situational suicide with the opportunities given to me only because I made the next decision of the journey too quickly, out of reactionary panic, or not of sound mind and emotional state? The answer for myself is far too many, but next time I see the headlights of the approaching danger, I am hoping that tonight's Bump In The Road will remind me to take my time and get out of the road.

I'm currently boycotting Pinterest

So now on top of facebook, twitter, Linked In, Google + and an old myspace account I forgot I had until writing this sentence, the world of Pinterest has overcome the mainstream social media scene. But is it even social media? Right now I am considering it a social nightmare. I stumbled onto it a week or so while suffering an insomniac episode. Well I guess you really can't consider actually setting up an account complete with log in and password "stumbling" can you? Okay, I admit it, I did it because there was nothing else to do at that time of the night and the Pinterest craze had me a little curious about what I could be missing out on. So I set it up, browsed until the Tylenol PM kicked in and that was it. I haven't been on since.

So all through the past week I am getting emails that "So-and-so is following you on Pinterest," another "So-and-so is following you on Pinterest." I would open my email to find a couple more and more "followers" each day. I kind of wanted to send them apologetic emails "I'm sorry you are following me, let me apologize now that you aren't following much. There's not going to be much I have to offer you on Pinterest, but I appreciate the thought." While I understand the concept of Pinterest, which I think is to share useful, creative, little tidbits, it's personal concept to me is to further confirm my inadequacies as a wife, mother and person in general.

Yes, I said inadequacies. You see I like crafts and such, but I keep pretty busy on my own to need Pinterest to give me ideas on things I could do, make and so on. I find that I have little time for my self as it is, all I need is a Pinterest project that I want to do and can't find the time for and with my personality type I would just use that failure to achieve as ammunition to fling at myself when I feel like I'm just not making the cut. My Pinterest board is going to have to wait until some things come off my reality board that is full of to-dos that never seem to get to-done.

In another insomniac episode last night, I happened to log onto Pinterest as I was writing this and found I have twenty something followers. I have twenty something followers on a website I have logged onto once, and at the moment could care less about, while I have had this blog for a few months, care about it and have a total of seven followers. I am ecstatically happy about my seven followers and my insecurities and shallow ego like that my "stats" show me that there are far more than the seven actually reading.  I don't blog for "followers" but it does make a person feel good to know that people are reading and I love the "likes" and comments when they are posted. I started this blog because it was on my personal fulfillment board to stir up the writer I once considered myself to be. If you read yesterday's post, writing is definetly one of those personal passions I had forgotten in my pocket. So as for now I continue here, this is my "board", my posts are my "pins" and I am humbled and grateful to those of you who are following me here. Happy Pinning!

What I learned in 2011

My Top 10 List of What I Learned in 2011

1. Ignorance judges, experience understands.
2. Sometimes we have to separate from the world to remember who we are.
3. Take time off to enjoy the day instead of working it all away.
4. Summer river days are necessary to my well being and peace of mind.
5. Give myself permission to say no to others, so I could say yes to myself and my needs.
6. Somethings can not be fixed, somethings just are.
7. Sometimes there are no words for the situation, other than a sincere "I love you".
8. Being a good person does not mean being a doormat.
9. I alone dictate how I let others treat me.
10. Death is not just, fair or explainable and grief resonates in different ways to different people.

What I learned in 2010

I'm not one to make new year's resolutions for a few reasons:
1: Part of it just seems too cliche to stick with.
2: The rebel in me just doesn't want to follow the crowd into making goals that for the most part people don't stick with past the second week of January.
3: If your resolution is something you really need to focus on or change, you should do it as soon as you see it necessary, not wait until a specific date to start, thus delaying the goal in the first place.
4: I'm already perfect...no changes needed! Ha Ha...that was a joke people. I am far from perfect and realize the gap to perfection widens more with the passing of each day.

So instead of making resolutions, last year I ended my year by making a list of the things I had learned in 2010, instead of focusing on what I might do for the next. I thought I had only saved this list in a facebook post, but after rummaging through months of status updates, I finally found it in a must easier referenced note. I am posting it here, not only for any readers I might have, but for my own reasons of having an quicker retrieval method in the future and to pass the time while I reflect back over the past year to compile a new list for 2011.

My Top 10 list of what I learned in 2010

1. zumba
2. when you don't fit in, be comfortable standing out.
3. family isn't defined by bloodlines, but instead by heartstrings.
4. some of the best times can be around a fire or in a closet.
5. we are all busy, but real friends always find the time.
6. to stop expecting from people what they will never give.
7. I may be at the bottom of some people's lists, but I am at the top of others.
8. to walk the red carpet without tripping in heels.
9. to be comfortable in my own skin, even when others don't approve.
10. to embrace my role as the crazy, eccentric aunt....cause it's a lot of fun.

To text or not to text?

Our pre-Christmas dinner conversation included my dad's obvious disgust of texting and the degrade of social skills that it will bring in our children's generation. I would say, we discussed it, but I just sat there and kept quiet in an effort to avoid the debate. I text, he knows that and we've had this conversation before. In it I feel as the burden of responsibility of the technological advance of our society falls on my shoulders and I am there as the single representative to back it up. My dad rambled on in his rant to explain how texting will eventually have our children socially dumb due to the fact that our current communication skills are lowering as fast as smart phones are rising in our society. He is convinced our children already have a hard time carrying on a conversation and texting, messaging and email will have our future generations completely unable to communicate socially, read body language or foster relationships.

I text, I like the ability to do so and appreciate that I have a record that I can look back to. If I need to have a conversation without anyone eavesdropping, I can text. If I need to ask someone a quick question, all I have to do is text the question and can expect a quick reply without having to rearrange my afternoon schedule to listen to someone talk endlessly about ailments, family drama and so on when I just can't commit to that conversation at the moment. When there is an event or something I need to know, I have it in a text and can easily find the conversation and remind myself without the need of post-it notes on my nightstand, fridge, car dashboard, and every crevice of my purse. I have all I need in one device at my fingertips and I find that quite convenient. I have even referred to a text record to defend myself when accused of saying something I didn't in a recent conversation.

Texting has it's advantages, however I do agree that it has disadvantages. Sometimes we prolong a conversation by waiting for a reply than just hitting the dial button and having an actual voice conversation that would take less time. Text messages void one's capability to pick up on tone, sarcasm and emotion which can lead to misunderstandings or a lack of attention when one desires or needs it. Though we "feel" more connected, texting, social networks and other technological advances can't replace the human's relational need of face time, create memories or foster meaningful relationships.

I let go of the conversation at hand, and gratefully welcomed a new one with the entrance of our daughter, her husband and children, and then sat to a full Christmas dinner spread across the table. After dinner we retired to the comfort of an overstuffed sofa and chairs and talked as family conversations go, interweaving between children, work, history and so on. As we talked, my daughter and her husband sat quietly on the couch playing on their phones. They were in complete oblivion from our conversation unless we specifically called on them to pay attention to something. Though they may have been texting too, they were in the most part playing games on their newly acquired phones. Still, the image of the afternoon plagued me later as I thought back to my irritation of my dad's ranting, yet the fact that his point was proven by my own children as they were unable to just sit and enjoy an Christmas afternoon in conversation with family. I don't fault them, I checked my phone a few times and even uploaded a picture of my daughter to facebook when she finally fell asleep beside me. Nor can we completely fault the phones as, for the most part, teenagers and young adults would rather play a game of pick up sticks than sit and have a conversation with older adults, phones are simply today's distraction. Still as smartphone users and parents of the next generation, we will have to use and teach moderation and the nearly extinct abilities to use reason and respect. Reasoning when is the time and when is not the time to text, play and update our status and respecting the people in front of us enough to put down the phone and be present.

My name is Nica and I am a People Pleaser

Yes, as the title reads, "My name is Nica and I am a People Pleaser!" Yuck, I never considered myself a people pleaser, when did that happen? I bet my dad wishes I were trying to please him more before I've decided on a new tattoo and added more permanent ink to my skin...sorry dad. Yes, I took a long look in the mirror and came to the conclusion that somewhere along the path in my life I had developed into a people pleaser. Just realizing it was a huge step, admitting to it still puts a bad taste in my mouth. "I don't care what others think," that's what I thought anyway, because I am a little more on the vocal side of the human spectrum. I'm one that will say what I think, even if it's not the popular opinion. Well, not everything I think, but more than the average person would share. Some would disagree right there thinking that I do share everything on my mind and don't bite my tongue when I need to. Truth is I bite my tongue plenty and hold back much more than people think...that's just how dangerous my thoughts can be.

Anyway, while I didn't think I was a people pleaser, my actions spoke differently. When I took this long look at myself, I found that I was saying yes a lot. Saying "yes" to others before considering the time, energy and resources it would take to fulfill those "yeses". I found I was saying these yeses to others much more than I ever say yes to myself. In that I have found I had lost a lot of myself being what others expected instead of who I really am. I don't say this to give an excuse to not give of yourself, it is very important to serve others and is quite a rewarding experience. But it is completely possible to be so selfless a person that you lose yourself, you lose your own identification, or at least that's where I found myself. Not that I am putting myself on any type of pedestal of selflessness, I am no Mother Teresa, but I was definitely had my "yeses" out of balance. In that, I found myself completely exhausted, in a constant race against the clock to achieve all my obligations and was quickly running out of hope and happiness. I realized that there was something wrong with me when I could easily understand the women in news reports who had run away. You know the ones I am talking about, they are missing for days, missing posters and alerts are all over the media, the FBI is on a manhunt and then they suddenly turn up out of the blue only to ashamedly admit they left and had not told anyone where they were going because they did not want to be found. Yeah, I got to this point where I understood this behavior and in that realized that something had to change.

For some, change is hard, for me it was necessary. I had to change my habitual people pleasing ways or I was sure to become an example of spontaneous human combustion. Now, I have begun to train myself to not come out with a yes to something just because I am asked. I have stopped allowing myself to agree out of obligation, flattery of consideration, or just because I can and have the know-how to accomplish the action. Now I have to stop myself and ask myself if I am saying yes because I WANT to, instead of because others want me to. This has caused me to say "no" a lot lately and probably have a few people irritated or disappointed in me who think I am "pulling back" or "disengaging." I am confident they will get over this in time, if not, their motives were obviously not right in the first place. I have had to learn to say no to others so I could say yes to myself and to the people closest to me. This will make me not only a better person, but a better wife, mother, child, sister and friend to the people that matter most in my life and that I matter to more than the person just looking for another yes.

"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong"

Dirty Dancing, it's not only one of my favorite all time movies, it's also the first movie I ever watched at home on our first new VCR in about 1987-1988. Since then I have seen it a million times. Well, not a million, but 50 plus times would be a more accurate count and I am not in the least bit ashamed to admit it. What girl, well woman, my age didn't watch it, fall in love with Johnny and want to be taught to dance by Patrick Swayze in a way that would have him taking you to the forest to tight-rope walk fallen trees and practice lifts in the lake? Yes, it's still a favorite and I can quote most of the movie word for word when I watch it and it never gets old. Okay, I did have a thought to convey here, but the Dirty Dancing Patrick Swayze thought kinda got me sidetracked.

A few years ago, I had an encounter with a friend where I apologized for misjudging her. In our conversation, I apologized to her and said "When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong." I didn't realize until I walked away that I just apologized with Jerry Orbach's line in the movie Dirty Dancing. My realization kinda made the apology feel cheap as I just quoted from a "chic flick", but I did say what I meant and the apology was completely legitimate and heartfelt. Movie quotes aside, that person is now one of my closest and dearest friends, and I am glad that we were both willing to admit our failures and look at each other in true honesty to have the friendship we have today.

That said, I am becoming extremely irritated with those that can't admit when they are wrong and do something as simple as apologize for their actions when they do treat others wrongly. It is apparently demeaning to some to use the words "I'm sorry" like it's going to physically hurt them to treat someone with respect every now and again. I was raised to take responsibility for my actions and in that comes apologizing when I'm wrong. But maybe my parents raised me different than others, maybe they read the wrong parenting book, maybe it's just another example of a social epidemic that no one takes responsibilities for their own actions anymore. What I do know, is that when we fail to apologize for our actions when we are wrong to others, we in turn say that we do not respect that person or care about their feelings. Ignoring it, or sweeping it under the rug, does not make these things go away, it just makes the issue worse and continues to degrade the other person.

I in no way am saying I am always right or never hurt others. I know that I have unintentionally offended people time after time, and for that I am sorry. I can't apologize, nor can others, when we don't know that what we have done has offended or hurt someone. What we can do is take ownership when we do know that we have done wrong and take all measures to make it right.

I have also been on the hurt end. The end that takes the disrespect and attacks from others without ever hearing that apology. I know it's just words, but words mean a lot and actions speak volumes too. It's quite ironic to me that the same people who do this are usually the ones who avoid you until they need something and then they act like nothing ever happened in the past. I try to "let it go", get past the hurt, get past the pain, but usually find myself setting myself up for another disappointment. Because of this I have been trying to implement something called "boundaries" in my life. We are the only person that can give another person the ability to ruin our day, right? So, boundaries it is. Not unforgiveness, but self protection and boundaries as to how I will allow myself to be treated by others. It's very similar to that phrase "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I am open to others, open to relationships and all they offer and there are times I know I will be hurt. But instead of giving all of myself to those who have thrown me to the wayside, I am going to create some boundaries and proceed with caution.

You Time is Limited: Don't Waste It Living Someone Else's Life

Facebook has been inundated by pictures with sayings, both sarcastic and encouraging. I really enjoy the humor of the sarcastic ones, being that I have been questionably blessed with an overflowing gift of sarcasm, but I really enjoy the thought provoking motivational ones too. This particular one posted after the Apple inventing Steve Jobs' death is one that really got me thinking. Short, simple and to the point, I saved it on my desktop and look at it each day: "Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life." It's quite challenging to me. Am I living the life that I should be, or am I living the life of meeting everyone's expectations of me, better yet, am I achieving my expectations? The scary thing is that I know that I am in many ways not living the life that is destined or possible for me. To do this would force me to make a jump out of another box that life situations has placed me in of trying to be "safe" than take the risks of jumping out on a limb and risking the fact that the limb might not keep me up. The limb could break and there would be an awful fall leaving me laying flat on the ground, breath knocked out of me and possible breaks and scars that would forever remind me that I didn't achieve.  

I used to be the risk taker, the girl who didn't think twice about being at the top of a ski pyramid when I was 14, bungee jumping when I was 16 or testing and conquering limits when they were given to me just to prove a point. Just this past summer, I was in Nashville and spent a while watching others ride a mechanical bull. I have always wanted to ride a mechanical bull. Don't ask me why, just one of those small items on my bucket list I guess, another way of testing myself just to see if I could do it. Well, I finally mustered up the courage to try, but felt a panic attack coming on as I waited in line and chickened out. Ugh, I chickened out? I am not the person that chickens out to ride something completely under matted with an inflatable cushion so you can't get hurt anyway. Who is this person and what did she do with my risk-taking predecessor? I don't know, but I can say I am still a little mad at her.  Apparently I have been wasting my time living someone else's life, because the person I am would have jumped on the bull, thrown my hand up in the air and tried my hardest to beat out the best score.

I have done a lot of self analyzing and had a lot of realizations since the bull.  A close friend and confidant gave me the questions "Why am I doing what I am doing today? Is it because I did it yesterday or because I want to?" I think as adults we easily get caught up in the routine of life: family, work, responsibilities and etc. and can forget who we are, what our passions are, what our dreams are. We let our routines, our position, and all the pronouns of the jobs we do define us instead of the using the adjectives that describe who we really are. We waste our time living someone else's life instead of the one we dreamed of having. Steve Jobs defied the times from his garage and from that defined the age of technology we live in now. What would have happened if he was too afraid of jumping out on that limb? Where would we be today? Now turn it around, make it personal...Where am I now? What would happen if I jump out on the limb? I don't have all the answers, but I am going to take a few more jumps in the future, begin living the life I want instead of the one others expect of me and when I happen across another mechanical bull in my future...I will be on it, hand raised and trying my hardest to beat out the best time.

Enjoying the Prepositions of Life

I've been having one of those incredibly busy weeks where it seems as though I am caught in this whirlwind of problems, complaints, and unnecessary drama. Yes, it's been one of those weeks of feeling like I can't win, despite my best efforts, and there are too few hours in the day to accomplish everything on my list to please anyone, including myself.

It's one of those times where I want to give in and raise a white flag of surrender to all the forces that seem to be defeating me, but I can't find a flag anywhere and there's no one in Walmart to direct me to the white flag aisle. And then I think about this blog and what I might write about and I have nothing.

Well I could write about something but it would probably cause more problems, complaints, and unnecessary drama and as much as I like those things (that was sarcasm) my quota is full and overflowing. So I thought I would pass on writing something fresh and instead utilize the right click button of my mouse and "copy and paste" an old excerpt from a blog I wrote in a couple of years ago for our church women's ministry. I pull up the website and read my own words from two years ago:  

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

This morning on my way to work, I began thinking about prepositions.  Don’t ask me how prepositions come to a person’s thought process in car line at 7:20 in the morning, but for some reason they did.  If you recall from middle school, prepositions are a linking word that relates the words in a sentence to each other.  Teachers always helped us remember what they were by thinking of a log, “anything you can do to a log is a preposition”.  They are the words like; above, below, in, off, over, through, under and upon.  Being a driven and goal oriented person, I have always defined milestones with accomplishments and reached goals.  I began thinking how in my life, I have always focused on the log, as an obstacle or event.  I have been so caught up with getting past the “logs”, that I have failed to enjoy the prepositions.  I have failed to enjoy the moments under the log or going through the log, when these are the moments that have been the key times of shaping, growing and learning in my life.  In reality, these prepositional times have been the actual milestones of God making me the person I am now.  While goals are great at keeping us focused on moving ahead, I think I am going to take a few extra moments along the way to stop complaining about the time, effort, and hardships and to really reflect on what the preposition is there for.  Maybe there is a sifting inside of me, a lesson to be learned, or a relationship along the way that He wants to work on.  Let me encourage you, as I encourage myself, when you see a log in front of you, enjoy the preposition.

Wow, did you just hear that? I think I just experienced the sci-fi theory of time travel and slapped myself in the face from two years ago. I'm currently going through things that I want to be through with and then I read my words reminding me to "enjoy the preposition"? I am not enjoying my "log" moment here. Honestly, I want to cut the log up into a bunch of pieces, set it on fire and roast marshmallows over it knowing the log is over and done with and I will never have to see the log again. At least in that scenario I could enjoy the rich chocolate and gooey marshmallow of a 'smore or two provided by the fire of the said log.

Sadly, there will be no bonfires today. Some logs are just harder than others. Instead of going through or over them, sometimes I feel like I am the preposition beneath the log and straining to get out from under it's weight.  Sometimes when we get through the log we find a couple of evidential splinters that take even more time and effort to remove and protect ourselves from impending infection. 

With the sting of the slap of my words still in my mind, I am going to try to enjoy my preposition. I'm not happy about it, I still want the log gone, but I am hopeful. Knowing that I'm going to be a better person because of it is much more inspiring that thinking the problems will never end, right? So it's all about the focus of my vision and I'm going to try to see the "shaping, growing and learning" that is happening to me during this preposition. So now, as I arm myself with tweezers and a few band aids in preparation for any splinters, I encourage you as I continually have to encourage myself to "enjoy the preposition."

A Table For One

As a busy wife, mom, employee and ecetera, my spare time it extremely limited and I find that which I call "spare" dwindles everyday. I find it is hard to make time for others, and even harder to realized the time we need to make for ourselves. It has been in the past year that I have hit the "bottom" so to speak of the "barrel" of what I can give out and was forced to realize my own needs and the necessity to take time out for me, by myself, not doing, not going, not accomplishing...but just being still, quiet, and alone.

One of my favorite places to do this is on the pier at my parent's house. Just sitting or laying there, eyes closed, feeling my skin absorb the warmth of the sun's rays. A gentle breeze in the air and a methodical slapping of waves against the pier or the hull of their boat. It is a peace like no other and I can just let my mind rest and it seems as if the sound of the water can speak to me and allow me to meditate on the the weights in my mind and give me a clarity that can't be found by any friend's advice, motivational quote or bumper sticker. As much as I love these moments on the dock, they are very few and far between as it's hard for me to relax when there is so much to do.

I have found that the easiest time I can make for myself is in an hour lunch break during my Monday-Friday work week. I am used to carving this time out for lunch dates with friends to foster those relationships, but have not until recently realized how much my inner person needed me to set a few of these lunch dates aside for myself, without a companion, without a project, errand, facebook status update or a computer in front of me. Up until this past year, I did not understand the person sitting at a table alone, nor would I ever be the one walking into a restaurant by myself to be that person. I used to look at others sitting alone and feel sympathy for them not having anyone to sit and share a conversation with as they ate their meal. If I was eating alone, I was perfectly content opting for the drive thru lane and taking my to-go bag back to my desk. It wasn't until recently that I pushed through the self concious nervousness of sitting alone in public. Yes, it's stupid, but true. I would get nervous to sit by myself, so much in fact that I would have panic attacks that would force me out out of the restaurant with the all too common to-go bag once again. 

Well, somehow I learned to get past the attacks, the nervousness, and the rule in my head that said you couldn't dine alone unless you had no friends or were infected with a contagious disease. I'm kidding about the disease part, but you get the idea. I had this "loser" mentality created in my head about eating alone. I'm really not sure where it came from, but would guess it was probably derived from the unspoken rules of the common school lunchroom mentality we learn as children. No one wants to sit alone and you always want to be sitting at the "right" table with the "right" kids. Well, finally in my thirties, I am able to deconstruct that childhood lie and realize that the table I am sitting at by myself is "right" in every way possible. I have come to realize that lunch by myself can be a luxury of disconnection from everything else around me and reconnection with my own thoughts, a luxury I have mistakenly cheated myself out of for all these years. I'm on my lunch break, off work, the kids are at school, my husband is at work, and for this one hour I can throw off all weights of responsibility to everyone but myself. My phone is normally quiet because it's lunch time and people are busy eating, not texting and calling. In the rare instance that it trys to distract me, I have found this rarely used button that surprisingly turns the phone off so even it can't interrupt this all too important time. I am for this one hour able to slice myself out of the world and have some time to not have to give to anyone or anything but myself and my thoughts. I have found that these alone times are just as necessary to my mind as the food I am eating is to my stomach. I have found solitude, serenity and refreshment sitting at a table for one.